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Meet Glinda Darlin

Meet Glinda Darlin

Today I got a new bike. I reserved it a few weeks ago, making the kind of decision I like to make ("That ones nice. And its on sale? Ill take it. No, I dont need to see the others.") and finally today managed to actually go and collect it. Complete with basket, helmet, lights, wheels, brakes and those other things youre meant to have. Pedals, thats it.

Shes light blue, and more elegant than I could ever hope to be. I have decided to call her Glinda, after the Good Witch of the North. If she was a human she would have blonde ringlets and shy away from swearing. She would wear pastels and gilets and never have missed work because she was hungover on a Wednesday. Her notebook would be covered with line drawings of kittens and she would say "golly" a lot. In spite of all of this, I like Glinda, and suspect that she will be a good influence.

Ben and I cycled to B&Q today. My first outing on Glinda. She went calmly and without a fuss, as if B&Q is her natural home. It isnt of course, now that I have decided she is female. Im not saying women cant cope with B&Q, I just mean that I feel like the workers there, all men, clustered around bits of wood talking about padlocks, looked at me a bit askance as I trailed in behind Ben. I crept past the planers, singing their siren song to a few unfortunate men who stood lost in woodwork dreams. I was dwarfed in the roofing aisle, where glorious clouds of loft insulation billowed to infinity. We discussed shelving and stuff that makes damp rooms less damp, then Ben piled our spoils into his trailer and we set off home again.

Back home and Ben clomped about in our diminutive yard, affixing all three bikes to some heavy weights and chains, while I made some tea. (Finally, back from B&Q, in the kitchen messing about with jam, where I belong. What a relief! Please note: I am embroidering this blog post.)

Where we live you have to weigh things down to prevent them being nicked. (That is why I have been eating more crisps recently.) When my family was up this weekend, my Dad wandered into our kitchen, gazed out over the redbrick terraces, and began quietly to whistle the Coronation Street theme tune. I do not want Glinda to get stolen. Other people might not know shes a Good Witch, and just think of her as some kind of mode of transport. The horror! Luckily she is sleeping restfully underneath some lovely blue tarpaulin with two bodyguards. I might sneak out in the middle of the night with some faux fur and a sleeping mask.

I have been meaning, recently, to write about a word I hate. Darlin.

It isnt principle. Its experience. It reminds me of being addressed by patronizing, put-you-in-your-place men. Its the lexical equivalent of a wink and a gentle bum squeeze. Thanks, darlin. Youre a love, youre a star, oh, thats lovely, darlin. Just take your top off and make us a brew, be a love. Cheers, darlin.

Not all men are Like That, very few, in fact. Im not being sexist, most men I know wouldnt, you know. Youre looking fresh youre looking so good, oh I could just. Have you washed your hair, its looking nice. Youre looking. Nice. How could I not believe blue eyes like that? Stand still, lets have a look.

(Laughter) Dont, youre scaring her!

(Im not scared, Im being sick in my mouth.)

Stand still. While I mentally undress and airbrush.

Ill have some salt and vinegar crisps, please, darlin. Those ones, on the bottom shelf. Not really, just wanted to see how you bend over! Salright, darlin, Im only kidding. Just a joke! Dont look so. Shes scared, youve scared her!

Slavering eyes and indulgent chuckles.

Sorry, darlin. Thanks, love.

It isnt principle. Its association. Most men arent Like That but those who are stick in my mind and my ears with their comments and their obsequious false respect.

I know why I hate that word. How can I sum all this up? Does that make sense?

Tomorrow I will take Glinda for a spin, after I have been to Birmingham and back (on the train. I am not over-estimating my cycling prowess quite that much). I am hoping that, as a good witch, she will be able to plow over any sleaze who calls me darlin.

Mmm, nice (pannier) rack.

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